When Everyone Else is Having Babies

I found out that a dear, dear friend of mine was pregnant mere weeks after my miscarriage. I was filled with such an odd rush of feelings that, even as a therapist, I didn't know was possible. I immediately felt so much joy for she and her husband, who I just knew were going to be great parents, and so much anguish for myself and the life I had so recently lost.

And over the next 9 months, those feelings continued, sometimes one feeling stronger than the other, but often feeling a confusing swirl of the two. Thankfully, I think God gifted this friend to me for this exact reason. I was able to talk openly with her about all of the feelings, good and bad, and I will be forever grateful for how she handled the whole situation.

I wish I could say that our friendship cured me of these feelings. And to a degree, I guess it did. There is not one ounce of bitterness or jealousy when it comes to her, and for that blessing, I am thankful. But unfortunately for me, that has not generalized to anyone else. Getting on Facebook is hard. Checking instagram is hard. Everyone is posting their pregnancy or birth announcements, sometimes for their third kid, and I am left alone on my couch, with no babies, and a whole lot of bitterness and sadness. In these moments, I pray for God to help me find the joy that I felt for my friend. I want to be able to feel joy for them, and selfishly, I want to feel less of those really heavy, icky feelings, and God is really good at lightening that load.

Lord, my Lord,

there aren't words enough to describe the depths of my pain. Seeing others so easily get the blessings that I've been praying and crying for, is a pain I wish I never had to understand.

Lord, I feel it filling me with bitterness and anger - a coldness in my center, a rage in my belly. I quickly begin fighting the spiral of shame, blame, and darkness that so often accompanies a new announcement.

Lord I pray You help me see the light. Help me find true joy for the gifts that You give others, even when I am still waiting for my own. Lord this bitterness is so hard to carry, and tonight I lay it at your feet. Help me hold it, and allow me to balance out these feelings with ones of peace and delight.

Lord, tonight please fill me with your peace and understanding that my time will come. Help me remember that your plan is Good.

Amen