When You Need Help Surrendering

I crave control. Honestly, I will do anything to white knuckle control in any situation. It feels safe, and comforting to be able to know that things are taken care of. And who can take care of them better than I can...right?

This fertility journey, as you can imagine, has been challenging for me in lots of different ways. I have said a million times during this last year that this is God working on me and making me lean on Him because I can't do anything about it. And even though I can say that to anyone with a smile on my face, you better believe it feels nearly impossible some days to acknowledge that this is part of his plan.

I often find myself trying to plan out the next step. Should I change prenatals? Would that help move things along? Should we give up and try adoption? I need a next step to feel like there's some progress happening. But it's a false sense of control, because ultimately, the Lord has everything planned out for us, and things will happen in His time no matter what prenatal I'm taking. When I struggling to hold the situation with open hands, and allow His goodness to guide us, here is the prayer I come back to:

Heavenly Father, help me.

Help me surrender fully to your plans. I know I cannot begin to fathom what You have for me, but Lord, I am struggling to surrender to the plans that look so different from my own.

Help me lean into what is written for me. Help me to relax the white-knuckle grip I have on the journey that I thought I was on and nudge me onto the right path.

And, Lord, while You work on me and soften me to this new path, please fill my heart with peace and calm.

Lord, help bolster my faith when I begin to second guess Your plans for me. When I feel it is unfair. When I feel angry and let down, Lord, step in to remind me that You've got it worked out already.

I don't need to concern myself with what this journey will look like, because You've already laid it out for me.

Send others my way who can speak Your truth into me when I am running from your plans or trying to wrestle you for control.

Lord, I want to believe in Your plan. I want to relish in the fact that You're fully in charge. Please help me when I begin to forget this truth.

Amen